The Decisions They Made
by Fivesacharm
Summary: We all know the story: Jean-Luc Picard falls in love with Beverly Howard. Beverly Howard marries Picard's best friend, Jack Crusher. Jack dies under Picard's command. The story is complicated, dramatic, and never truly well-explained. I'm filling in the blanks and writing down how I imagined things happened. Follows cannon to a degree, but I have changed some details 'cause I can.
1. Chapter 1

Jean-Luc Picard had never been much of a romantic. He didn't believe in soul mates or true love. He was a Starfleet captain and the only thing he ever truly believed in was the stars.

That was, until, love crashed into him…quite literally.

* * *

Beverly Howard had been up working into the wee hours of the morning due to an emergency. Some engineer had been playing with plasma conduits again. He was fine, but Beverly was now cursing every engineer in the galaxy for having slept through her alarm this morning.

_Could someone please tell me why I was stupid enough to choose medicine?! Who willingly chooses to do this to themselves?! I haven't slept more than three hours a night in months…Dr. Martin is going to wring my neck if I miss rounds this morning. _

Of course, Beverly was so engrossed in her own thoughts that she had failed to pay attention to where she was going and was surprised when all at once, she hit something hard and flew backwards, her PADs flying into the air.

_Not something. Some one. _

Dr. Howard was horribly embarrassed to realize that she had collided with a man. He too had been knocked off-balance by the collision, and he did not look pleased in the least.

And then Beverly noticed four perfectly-placed Captain's pips placed on his collar.

_Shit. _was the only thought that came to her mind.

_I am surely about to get my ass-chewed now…at the very least I'll be demoted back to the rank of ensign. Awe Hell._

He hadn't even looked up at her yet. He was just standing up, dusting himself off and Beverly was about to apologize her heart out.

"What the hell was…" he began.

He lifted his head, looking at her, and trailed-off.

_Great, he'll probably report me for this. Why couldn't I just have paid attention?!_

"Captain…I am…so…so sorry. Sir, I was clearly no paying attention to where I was going, and I should have been… but…but… I did not mean to plow you over like that."

No reply came from his lips. The Captain just kept looking at The Doctor, a curious gaze analyzed her.

"It's alright…er… I…I wasn't exactly paying attention either… I must ask, though, Lieutenant, where were you going in such a hurry?"

"I was on my way to Starfleet Medical, sir."

"Awe, I see…I take it you are a Doctor then."

"I'm about to finish my last year of residency, sir."

A smile actually broke across his countenance.

"Well, that's quite the accomplishment. Congrats to you. I can't imagine having ever entered the medical field, myself."

"Thank you, Captain. It will be exciting to finally be able to create a life for myself."

"I'm sure it will be…Hey…er…Doctor…I…I don't suppose you would like to join me for a cup of coffee, I was just on my way…er…to get a cup that is."

Beverly Howard smiled to herself. She couldn't help but notice how stumbled over his words like a school boy. It probably should have, but somehow it didn't intimidate her in the least that she'd just been asked to coffee by a high-ranking officer. Mostly, it sounded like fun and she was curious to get to know this man.

"I would be absolutely honored to, sir. However, I really am already going to be late for my shift…"

Beverly thought she could see his face fall in disappointment.

"Why, yes, that was why you were in such a hurry, wasn't it? Perhaps some other time then."

"You would be more than welcome to buy me coffee tomorrow morning, sir. It is my day off." Beverly smirked. There was an airy-ness to her tone that the Captain caught on to.

"Ohhh! I'm sure I would be. How about 0700? I don't suppose you know the little place on the far end of the Academy campus?"

"Do I ever, sir! It is only the reason that I got through medical school in one piece! One of Starfleet's best kept secrets."

"It is indeed. I will see you tomorrow then, Doctor."

"I look forward to it, sir….and not to be disrespectful, but I really must be going…"

"Oh yes, you must not be any later than you already are. We wouldn't want your patients to suffer any longer."

"No we would not!" With that thought, she smiled at him and was off.

* * *

Later, Jean-Luc couldn't get his mind off of the fiery red-head. She'd walked into his life (ran, really) with a bang and now she apparently wasn't leaving it.

Only after he'd realized that he hadn't paid attention to a single thing that the Admiral standing before him had been saying, did he realize what a problem he had on his hands.

_God damn! What is wrong with me? And my God she's clearly so much younger than me! What was I even thinking, asking her to coffee, of all things! So unprofessional…I'm much more disciplined than to have a woman affect me in such a way…I don't even know the woman!_

It was with that final thought that Jean-Luc Picard realized that he hadn't even asked the young doctor's name…


	2. Chapter 2

He was sitting there, hands folded in front of him, gazing out a window, when she entered the small café. She caught his gaze and a small smile formed on her lips.

He returned the smile and as she walked over to him, he stood up and pulled out a chair for her. It was small gestures such as this that had always impressed Beverly.

_He's quite the gentleman, isn't he?_ She thought to herself.

"Thank you, Captain."

"Now then, let me order you a coffee. Yesterday, I actually lied a little bit when I said I was off to get a coffee. I'm more of a tea man myself."

"I see. Personally, I'm not too picky about what form I get my caffeine in. Like I said, medical school sets out to try to kill you and caffeine was definitely my saving grace. Residency hasn't been the least bit better, frankly it's worse, so now I just consume twice as much."

He chuckled at her remark.

"Well then, let's not endanger your health. Jacob, could you please bring me an Earl Grey. Hot. And for this young woman a coffee with…"

"…just a tad of cream. Thank you." Beverly finished

"So, Doctor, other than the fact that you are quite the sprinter and you hit like a boxer, I know absolutely nothing about you. So, please, inform me about yourself. Starting, I'm embarrassed to admit, with your name."

Laughing, Beverly started, "Well you also know that I'm finishing my residency and that I'm addicted to caffeine in all forms. As for my name, I can't believe neither has told the other! I'm Beverly Howard, sir."

"Beverly Howard, that's a beautiful name."

"Captain, with all due respect, are you going to make me guess yours?"

"Oh no, definitely not! Doctor Howard, let me introduce myself. My name is Jean-Luc Picard."

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard, a very noble name for a captain. I'm sure we'll all know the name someday."

"I very much doubt it. Now Dr. Howard, please do tell me more about yourself."

"Well, okay then. I guess I can tell you that I can think of nothing more that I want to do than live among the stars, so my first change once I'm done here on Earth, is to get an assignment on a starship. And I'm headed straight to the top, Captain. Give me a few years and I'll be running my own sickbay."

"Chief Medical Officer Beverly Howard does have a nice ring to it." He winked at her.

"Oh, I agree! But what about you, Captain? You've obviously already made a life for yourself. Where has your career taken you?"

"Well, to be honest, I was just promoted to the captaincy. I'm about to take my first assignment as Captain of the Stargazer. She's not the flagship, by any means, but she's got a lot of new technology on board and I'm pretty excited about her crew."

"Wow, Captain that must be incredibly exciting! You make finishing my residency feels so trivial, now."

"Doctor, I wouldn't have been able to get through a day of medical school, let alone four years plus a residency. That is something to be very very proud of. Starfleet needs good doctors."

"I can only hope that I will be one some day."

"Somehow, I have a feeling that you don't give yourself enough credit."

"Hardly." She sighed.

Jean-Luc gazed at her for a moment, thinking to himself, and then replied.

"Doctor, what is your ranking?"

"Excuse me, sir?" she seemed startled by the question.

"Doctor, I am well-aware that they rank the best residents in the program, and I am guessing that you are on that list. Now, what is your ranking? If you don't tell me, I can find out anyway later, so you might as well let me prove my point."

Beverly rolled her eyes and replied and in grumbling-whisper, "One."

"What was that?" he goaded.

"One. I'm number one!" she stated, exasperated.

"I figured as much. Dr. Howard, you are the number one ranked medical resident in Starfleet, and if my suspicions are correct, you probably graduated valedictorian of your Medical School class, as well. I am right, aren't I?"

Beverly grumbled as a confirmation.

"You will go far, Doctor, mark my words. You may have been joking when you said you had every intention of being CMO within a couple years, but it's sounding like that isn't such a far-off goal."

"Maybe not."

"I'm feeling more like a definitely not."

Beverly looked up from the table and smiled at him.

"Well, if anything, you have talent at making a girl feel better about herself."

Rolling his eyes at her, he replied, "My God, Doctor, one cannot get any better than the absolute best."

"I guess not, but I'll pretty soon I should be getting assignment offers and I'm just nervous that I'll end up in a job I'll hate."

"Whatever ship you end up on will be very very lucky to have you. Hell, you'll probably end up on a the flagship before I ever do."

"Thank you for the confidence boost, Captain, it really is appreciated."

"It is my absolute pleasure to boost the confidence of Starfleet's next brilliant medical mind."

They were both quiet for a moment, thinking. Beverly closed her eyes and deeply inhaled the sharp aroma of her bitter drink.

Jean-Luc broke the silence

"So, you probably know a thing or two about most of the doctors in Starfleet, huh?"

"Probably at least a little, why?"

"Well, I'd bet that, you, Doctor Howard know a whole lot more than me. You see, I am having a hell of a time picking my Chief Medical Officer. I have a couple names that at least stood out a little, but I'm kind of a loss at this point. I don't suppose you'd be willing to give your opinion?"

"You want MY opinion? The opinion of a lowly resident?!"

"Not so lowly, but yes, I want YOUR opinion, Doctor."

"Well, then it would be my pleasure to help you in any way I can, sir."

"Good. Now then, I had three names that I guess I'm considering at the moment, but I'm not even sure about them. They are…umm…Doctor Sarah Fields…Doctor Donov Zoej…and…umm…Doctor Kale Bent."

Beverly thought for a moment and then replied:

"Those are actually not bad choices as a whole, but I guess I'll give you my honest opinion. I know all of those doctors and all are committed to their job, but your decision should be based on what your looking for in a CMO. Doctor Fields for example, she's a good doctor, but she's got a horrible bed-side manner. She'd rather spend her day in a lab than dealing with people."

"Okay, than she's definitely off the list. The Stargazer will be on long assignments in deep space. I need someone who will make an effort to connect with the crew."

"What about the other two?"

"Well, I don't know Doctor Zoej all that well, but there was this sketchy incident on the Republic. A patient died and no one is particularly sure what happened. Sounded like a cover-up to me…"

"God, that was NOT in his file! Okay, what about Dr. Bent?"

"He's a good Doctor and he's good with people. He'll follow orders, but also won't be scared to offer his opinion if he feels it's necessary. I think he's a good CMO candidate."

"This has made my job so much easier, I really appreciate your input, Doctor."

"I'm glad I could help , sir."

Beverly smiled to herself, wondering how doing something as stupid as plowing over a starship captain had gone so right for her.

_I think this might actually be a new friendship in the making…not bad having friends in high places…_

Little did she know that fate had just started her down a path of both great love and great heartache…


	3. Chapter 3

Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. Beverly and Jean-Luc's relationship had grown from that of weekly coffee dates, to sharing breakfast no less than three days a week. They laughed and joked and enjoyed each other's company. They had found great comfort in their routine and in their new found friendship.

Yet, in the back of both of their minds, they knew that soon, Jean-Luc would be off somewhere on some adventure on the Stargazer and Beverly would have her first assignment in deep space. Soon their comfortable routine would have no choice but to cease to exist.

* * *

The first reminder came in the form of Beverly's first job offer:

"Oh Jean-Luc, someone actually wants ME! I didn't even apply for this position, they sought me out! I can't believe it, but I'm actually going to have a job as a real doctor! Sure, I won't exactly be in charge, but I'll have my own patients and won't have an attending to answer to for every test I want to run. I'll actually be making a small difference in this galaxy!"

Jean-Luc Picard's heart had begun to hurt from the moment Beverly had told him she'd gotten a job. Yes, he was so incredibly happy for her, but the thought of her leaving made him very sad. Nevertheless, he plastered a smile onto his face and showered Beverly with praise.

_I will not let my own selfish motives ruin this moment for her._

* * *

The second reminder came in the form of the Stargazer having its departure day set:

"Doctor, I have something to tell you. The Stargazer is nearly ready to be deployed into space. We are set to leave two weeks from today. This first mission will be at least 12 months, if not longer. I can't believe this is actually happening. I thought it never would!"

_Two weeks! Oh, but I thought I would have longer. I had hoped that I would leave before he would. Earth will feel so lonely without him…keep smiling, Beverly, you mustn't rain on his parade…_

* * *

"You've gotten 22 job offers? Geesh, Doctor, that's wonderful! Are you any closer to making a decision, though? That's the real question."

"Uhhh…I've narrowed it down to 15. To be honest, I really just automatically declined any offer that would have included me working on a starbase. There is simply no way that I will be watching starships fly past me every single day while I stay in the same place!"

"And when exactly do you have to have your selection narrowed down to "one.""

"One week from today."

"The same day I leave on the Stargazer."

"Coincidentally, yes."

"Do you want help? I mean I'm not sure how much help I can actually be, but as I recall I owe you one from the last time you helped me make an important choice."

Beverly smiled at him and nodded.

"Yes, Captain, I really wouldn't like to have your help, and at this point, I'm pretty sure I need it!"

"Well then, let's get two it…before you get any more damned job offers!"

"Ay, Sir!" she saluted him, in mock formality.

"Oh, and Doctor, that reminds me, my name is Jean-Luc and I would really like it if that is what you would call me. None of my friends refer to me as "captain."

"Well, in that case, my name is Beverly."

_Beverly._

"It's a pleasure for me to meet you, Beverly."

"And, I, you, Jean-Luc."

She smirked at him and he rolled her eyes at her and they set out to determine the young doctor's career path as Beverly and Jean-Luc.

* * *

By the end of the week, Jean-Luc had helped Beverly reason her 15 remaining choices down to merely two. Both jobs would start Beverly down a road of nothing less than absolute success and she would be doing great good in the galaxy. Jean-Luc was so happy for her, and even though he knew we was the one leaving first, he could not help but feel that with every job scratched off the nearly-infinite list, that was one step closer to Beverly being out of his life. It hurt him to even consider it.

Lying in bed, two nights before he was due to leave and Beverly had to commit to her future, Jean-Luc could not will himself to sleep. He thought about seeing if Beverly could prescribe him something to help, but then he realized that it wouldn't have been the prescription he was seeking, but Beverly herself.

_My god, I think I may actually be falling in love with her._

And all at once, Jean-Luc knew what needed to be done.

He scrambled out of bed, to his feet, and sat down at his desk instructing his console to connect to Beverly's.

_What am I even thinking? She's probably already asleep…_

Jean-Luc had hardly finished his thought, when Beverly appeared on the screen.

"What a surprise, Jean-Luc! I wouldn't have expected you to be up at such an ungodly hour!"

"I could say the same thing to you, Beverly."

"You could, but I also have to make the biggest decision of my life within the next…eh 29 hours. That's my excuse, anyway. What's yours?"

Taking a deep breathe, Jean-Luc started, "Beverly, what if you had a third job offer to consider?"

"Jean-Luc, I can't say that I know that I know what you mean…do you think one of the offers shouldn't have been eliminated as an option for my future?"

"Oh, no, Beverly, nothing like that…I…I…"

Rubbing his hand across his mouth, nervously, Jean-Luc took the plunge.

"Doctor Beverly Howard, it is my honor to formally and officially offer you a position as a medical officer on the U.S.S. Stargazer, which will be under my command."

Jean-Luc had never been particularly good at reading people, but he was pretty sure that the look on Beverly's face was that of pure shock.

Whether or not it was the hell-yes-I-want-the-job kind of shock or the shit-he's-put-me-in-a-crappy-position kind of shock, well, he really couldn't tell….


	4. Chapter 4

**This is definitely a shorter chapter, mostly because it's a set-up for what is to come. It originally was much longer, but then it got too long and I decided to split it. I should have at least one more chapter up today, possible more...And, as always, don't forget to review!:)**

* * *

It seemed to Jean-Luc, that they sat there, starring at each other across computer screens for hours, in actuality is was mere seconds, but they were long seconds in deed.

_Maybe I crossed a line…maybe she doesn't want this…have I ruined what we had?_

Finally, Beverly spoke: "Jean-Luc, I have been waiting weeks for you to ask me to join your crew. I had all but given up hope that you were even going to ask. There is no job I would rather have!"

The look on Jean-Luc's face said it all, he was pleased.

"Perhaps I'm making a leap, but am I wrong to take your reply as an acceptance of my offer?"

"Captain, it would my absolute pleasure to join your ship as a doctor."

_Perhaps this isn't the end of our story…_

* * *

It didn't take long for Beverly to settle into her new life aboard the Stargazer. She enjoyed her work and the people she worked with. The Stargazer was its own community, and while she had to admit that she had yet to really get to know anyone outside of the sickbay staff, Beverly could always count of her now-daily breakfasts with the Captain.

Of course, it didn't take long for certain individuals on the ship to spread rumors about a potential relationship between the Captain and Beverly. To Beverly, such petty gossip seemed ridiculous and she didn't give any of it a second thought. She wasn't sure exactly what she and the Captain had. Was it friendship? Was it something more? Would it ever be? Beverly didn't know and she didn't care, to be honest. She loved what they had, whatever it was.

"So Jean-Luc, we've been in space almost an entire month now. How is the captaincy treating you?"

"Ha, it's kinder on some days more than others, but I wouldn't trade any moment of it…expect, maybe the paperwork. Yes, I'd definitely give the paperwork away."

"Oh, I'm sure you would!"

"What about you, Doctor, do you find your position aboard this ship to be acceptable? "

"I love my job, Jean-Luc. Dr. Bent is a very good CMO and I enjoy serving with him. I feel that I can learn a lot from him, as well."

"I'm very glad that the Stargazer is has been found satisfactory to Starfleet's next great medical mind."

Beverly snorted in dismissal of his remark, "Jean-Luc, you are ridiculous. You and I both know that I am an average physician, preforming an average job on an average ship. There is no exceptional greatness in my future."

"Hey now, the Stargazer is no more an average ship than you are an average doctor. Both of you have much to live up to and much room to grow."

_Why doesn't he get it? I'm not destined for anything special. I can only hope to serve the fleet to the best of my ability. If I can do that throughout my career, that will be enough._

Somehow, though, even if she didn't believe Jean-Luc's words to be true, she got some degree of comfort from them. It was nice having someone to believe in you, even if you never would live up to their expectations.

_Whatever it is I have with this man, it surely makes me happy._

And she never imagined sharing such a relationship with another man.

That was, until Jack Crusher walked into her life.


	5. Chapter 5

And this is exactly what he did, walk into her life, that is. He did not come into it with an audible bang as Jean-Luc Picard had. Oh no, Jack Crusher's entrance was far less dramatic.

One morning after a particularly delicious breakfast with the Captain, Beverly was on duty in sickbay. It was a particularly boring morning. Thus far the only medicine she had practiced was healing her own hard-earned paper cut.

Beverly had resigned herself to this particularly boring shift, albeit secretly hoping that someone, somewhere would do something stupid and land themselves in sickbay, when the doors to her workplaces parted and in walked a tall, dark-haired man, clutching his wrist to his chest and visibly wincing.

She had never met the man, personally, but she knew exactly who he was, only because Jean-Luc had talked about him on occasion. She knew his name to be Commander Jack Crusher, and he was Picard's "Number One," that is, he was the Stargazer's First Officer.

Beverly walked over to him and asked, "Now what do we have here?"

"Well the official answer is that I got into a battle with some crazy Romulans…"

"On the Stargazer? Huh, I was unaware that there were Romulans on this ship." Beverly stated sarcastically.

"Yes, well…the unofficial answer is that I tripped over my own damn coffee table."

"Now THAT sounds just a bit more believable, but your secret is safe with me, Commander."

"Good to know, Doctor-?"

"Howard. I'm Doctor Howard."

"It is my pleasure Dr. Howard."

"No, TRUST ME, the pleasure is all mine. I was about to die of boredom when you walked in."

"Well, I'm glad I could be of service."

"Ha. Now why don't you hop up on that bed while I grab my tricorder and we can see what we can do about that wrist."

"Sounds like a plan, Doc." He mockingly saluted her with his good hand.

_Commander Crusher is quite the character. Jean-Luc wasn't kidding about this one…_

Grabbing her tricorder, and a tray of medical tools, Beverly returned to her patient. Running her tricorder over the affected wrist, she could clearly see it was broken.

"Congratulations Commander, you managed to sustain not one, but two fractures to your wrist. You must really have some skill."

"I have been told that I'm a man of many talents."

_Smart-ass too._

"Well, I really hate to tell you this, but this isn't just some ordinary broken bone. It's actually pretty severe. I think I'm going to have to operate." Her voice oozed with sarcasm, but Crusher apparently missed that fact.

His eyes got big and his face fell.

"Seriously?!"

"Uhh no. Short of a bone protruding through your skin, no one has had surgery for a broken bone since 2100."

"Ohh."

"Just give me five minutes to fuse your wrist and you can leave, good as new."

An entire five minutes later, when she was finished, he hoped down off the biobed and turned to the young doctor:

"Hey Doc, thanks! Good as new!"

As he exited sickbay, she couldn't help but call after him, "please, do try not to trip over any more coffee tables."

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Beverly couldn't help but bring up the subject of Commander Crusher.

"So, Jean-Luc, I had the ultimate pleasure of meeting this ship's fine First Officer yesterday."

Picard laughed, "Oh did you? No doubt it was an interesting first encounter? It always is with Jack."

"Definitely interesting. He's got quite a sense of humor…even with a broken wrist."

"That sounds like Jack. I take it he's fine?"

"Oh, yes, I put him back together, good as new."

"I'm glad to hear it, wouldn't want my number one to be out of commission so early in our little trip."

"I should certainly say not."

"In all seriousness, though, Jack may be quite the jokester, but he's knows when to be serious. He's a hell of a First Officer and this ship is very lucky to have him."

"No doubt we are."

* * *

The following week, Beverly was quite surprised when Commander Crusher walked through sickbay's doors.

"Back so soon, are you?"

"Yes, but this time it is on my own free will."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, Doctor. You see, last week, this really beautiful red-headed physician spent painstaking hours mending my horribly broken arm, and since then, I just haven't been able to stop thinking about her."

For the first time since meeting him, Beverly had no witty response for Jack Crusher. She was pretty shocked at his words.

_He's only talked to me once, for all of 20 minutes, a week ago, and now this man is back in here, professing his love for me? What is this?_

Finally she found words.

"I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. You don't even know me."

"Yes, but you see, Doctor, that's why I'm here. I want to take you to dinner and have the chance to get to know you. I also want to show you that there is more to me than just a smart-ass."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"What, that I want the chance to get to know you?"

"No, Commander, that there is more to you than just a smart-ass."

"Ouch, that's harsh."

Beverly laughed at the wounded look on his face.

_He does have a certain charm to him, I guess._

"So what do you say, Doctor? Will you let me take you to dinner?"

Beverly stood there for a moment, starring this tall dark-haired man up and down.

_What the heck, why not, Beverly?_

"Commander, I would love to go to dinner with you. That sounds like a very nice evening."

"Wonderful! What time is you shift over today?"

"1700 hours."

"Perfect, I will pick you up at your quarters at 1900 hours sharp."

"I guess I will be seeing you then, Commander."

Beverly couldn't help but notice that there was a renewed spring in Crusher's step as he left sickbay and he seemed quite pleased with himself.

_What have I gotten myself into?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I do appreciate everyone's comments on this story! Keep them coming, as they really do keep me going! That being said, I know many of you want Jean-Luc and Beverly to just be together already (don't we all?!). I'm not giving anything away (because what would be the fun in that?) but I'm writing this story the way I envisioned it happening. As much as we all love P/C, if I just quickly killed off Jack Crusher and put Beverly and Jack together, this story would have zero arc and be over rather quickly. Stick with it, I have a whole lot of inspiration to continue with it on...many ups and down ahead. It's nowhere near over.**

**-Five**

**P.S. Try not to kill me over what is about to happen, in the grand scheme of things, it's really not my fault (blame TNG cannon, this whole story is simply about filling in the blanks, though obviously I'm changing minor things as I see fit).**

* * *

Nearly 20 years ago, Picard had lost his heart to a gang of Nausicaans. He was extremely naïve at the time, just fresh out of the Academy, and he truly thought himself invincible. Needless to say, Picard nearly died that day and he never did forget the pain of literally taking a dagger to the heart.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for the pain his heart would feel as he watched his one-true-love, the only woman he had ever deeply cared for, fall in love with his best friend.

He would have lost his heart all over again to those damned Nausicaans, if it only meant he wouldn't have had to stand on the sidelines as Beverly Howard and Jack Crusher created a life together.

He had been so stupid. He had thought that Beverly had felt the same way, that she was happy with what they had. Jean-Luc had never saw himself as a settling-down type of man; after all, he had never dreamed of anything other than sailing the stars. But from the very moment that that red-headed doctor had entered his life, he had considered what it would be like to have a wife, to have a family, to love someone else more than your own selfish ambitions.

He had been so scared to admit it, but he knew now, that he did, indeed, love her. He loved her more than the stars.

But Picard's chance at Beverly's love had been lost the very moment that Crusher had walked into sickbay for the very first time. While Jean-Luc was a quiet and reserved man, a thinker, Jack was loud and outgoing, and he was ever the lady's man.

In the course of mere months, Jack Crusher had swept Beverly Howard off her feet.

But it could not have been enough for Jean-Luc to have watched himself loose what he loved the most. No, he had to hear about it every morning, for despite Beverly now having Jack in her life, the one person she confided most in was still Jean-Luc Picard.

And so, he had to plaster that fake smile, the one that he had mastered so well in the previous months, to his face and offer advice and support to his dearest Beverly. He loved her so incredibly much and in the grand scheme of things, all he truly wanted for her was happiness, even if it meant his own unhappiness in exchange. A worthy trade it was for him.

And he would never tell her how exactly he felt, now. That would do nothing but destroy his friendships with both his dear Beverly and his First Officer. He would not risk pushing her away. He treasured her presence in his life too much for that.

But even if Jean-Luc Picard had accepted the fact that Jack Crusher and Beverly Howard were in love, he had not mentally prepared himself for the day that the fate of all three of them would be truly sealed.

* * *

Beverly looked even more beautiful than usual, if such a thing were even possible, when she walked into his cabin that morning. She was truly glowing, and Picard found himself gazing at her with absolute longing.

"Oh, Jean-Luc! I have the most wonderful news to share with you!"

"And what would this exciting news be, Doctor?"

"Well…actually…I'll just show you!"

Pulling her left hand out of the pocket of her blue lab coat, Beverly stretched out her hand to Jean-Luc.

The sight, once he registered it, immediately made him nauseous. There, sitting perfectly on the Doctor's long, thin ring finger, was a beautiful diamond ring.

An engagement ring.

There were no words to describe how he felt. No words at all. Jack Crusher had just promised Beverly forever.

_Our forever._

Beverly continued to tell Picard how Jack had arrived in sickbay, unannounced, just as her shift was about to end, and told her that he had a surprise for her. He handed her a rather large 21st century printed hardcover book. It was called "How to Advance Your Career Through Marriage." Beverly laughed at how she had just stood there, completely confused, until Jack had gotten down on one knee.

After Beverly finished her story, Jean-Luc smiled the most sincere smile he could muster upon his face, he took a hold of her hand, squeezed it, and spoke words that came from his broken heart:

"Beverly, there is no one in the entire galaxy that I can think of who deserves perfect happiness more than the woman sitting before me. You deserve to have a beautiful life with a beautiful family and husband to hold you into your golden years. Jack Crusher is a very lucky man."

Beverly hugged him in response, and as she did so, Jean-Luc took in both her wonderful smell and the feeling of her warmth, trying desperately to commit to memory exactly what it felt like to hold his one-true-love in his arms, even if it wouldn't be forever.


	7. Chapter 7

**Keep on reviewing!:)**

* * *

The night before Beverly Howard was to become Beverly Crusher, she dreamed that she had instead become Beverly Picard.

In her dream, they had a beautiful wedding. It was simply, but perfect in every way. Everyone who loved them was there to watch them commit to each other.

It had felt so incredibly real, so incredibly right, that Beverly was actually disoriented when she woke up.

_Disoriented…or disappointed?_

_Damn it, Beverly! You can't afford to think like that! You are marrying Jack Crusher and you are going to be happy. Picard's love just isn't in your cards…_

Deep down, Beverly knew that her greatest regret in life would be that Jean-Luc didn't love her the way she loved him. Just the same, she was determined to create a life of happiness for herself. She couldn't live her life desperately waiting for something that Jean-Luc just wasn't willing to give her. Jack Crusher would make her happy, and even he wasn't her one-true-love, she did love him.

It was her greatest secret, one that she would carry to her grave.

* * *

Jack and Beverly's wedding was very nice. Larger than Beverly would have ever imagined her own wedding being, but Jack had many friends, some of them in pretty high places.

Almost immediately after Beverly had agreed to marry him, Jack had asked Jean-Luc to be his best man, and Beverly was happy that he was a part of the ceremony. She wanted him to be. In many ways, Jean-Luc knew Beverly better than Jack did, and she felt that it was important for him to be there on that day, in a special place of honor.

At the reception, she danced her heart out. Many dances were shared with her new husband, and many dances were shared with the best man. No one seemed to notice how much pleasure she took from being swung around the dance floor by her dearest friend.

And as tradition dictated, Jean-Luc stood up, in the middle of the joyous evening, and made a speech dedicated to the happy couple:

"I have had the absolute pleasure to get to know both the bride and the groom exceedingly well over the last few years. Beverly, well she literally plowed me over on her way to work one day. You can say she left quite the impression! And Jack, well, I just kind of got stuck with him…I kid, I kid! No, Beverly and Jack Crusher are dear, dear friends, as well as the finest officers Starfleet has to offer. They are dedicated to their jobs and to each other and it is a beautiful thing to bear witness to. I am honored to stand here as the best man and I am honored to have the opportunity to watch them both create happiness for each other. May you both have a long and happy life together, my dearest Jack and Beverly."

No one seemed to notice the tears that welled-up behind his eyes, or maybe they did, but simply saw them as the result of truly being happy for his friends.

Jean-Luc wished that was the case, but in all reality, his own heart was very much broken.

* * *

Beverly had truly always thought that Jean-Luc did not love her the way that she loved him; in fact she had blatantly thought he didn't love her at all, until she saw the pained look on his face and the way he looked at her, as he made his speech. In that moment, realization dawned, and Beverly saw Jean-Luc's true feelings for her. No one else would have caught it, but she knew. She knew that she had made the biggest mistake of her life, one that could not be fixed, one that she would have to live with.

* * *

Wesley came the next summer, eighteen months later. Beverly had loved being pregnant, and the thought of giving her husband a son made her so incredibly happy.

Beverly had always dreamed of someday having children, and the idea that her little family was finally being started, well, that was the most exciting thing in the world.

They had both been concerned about the delivery. Sure, Beverly had delivered a couple babies in her life time, bu teven so, that was entirely different from having one yourself. As for Jack, his experience was non-existent, so the idea of having a baby made them a little nervous. The idea of being responsible for a life, well, that was a scary task that they could only hope they would succeed at.

Wesley Robert Crusher came into the word screaming, as all perfectly healthy babies do, weighing 8 lbs. 4 oz. He was a spitting image of his father, having his eyes and nose, but his lips belonged to Beverly, his smile was hers.

They both cried on that day. Their marriage had sealed their fate, but it was that beautiful baby boy that binded them together.

* * *

Lying next to his wife, on their first night as a family, cradling his new son in his arms, Jack and Beverly dreamed about what their future with their new son would hold.

Jack vowed to teach him the art of baseball, as his father had taught him.

Beverly wondered out loud if he would follow in their footsteps and join Starfleet.

_Will he be a doctor like me? Or go the command track like his father? Or maybe he'll be an engineer? Maybe he'll decide Starfleet isn't his calling…_

Together, Jack and Beverly held their son and they dreamed up an entire future for him. No doubt he would have his mother's brains and his father's sense of humor. No doubt they would teach him right from wrong and he would have perfect manors and perfect behavior. No doubt he would be the best at everything.

Laying there, happy in their blissful ignorance, neither one would have imagined that their perfect family of three wouldn't have forever.


	8. Chapter 8

**Don't forget to review:)**

* * *

The door to Picard's ready room chimed. Sitting at his desk, facing the door, he called "come," to the individual standing on the other side.

Of course, he already knew who was on the other side of the doors, as he had been the one to call her to his ready room.

The doors made an audible hiss as they parted and Beverly Crusher entered Picard's ready room, smiling at the Captain as she did so.

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Aww…Yes, Doctor, I most certainly did. Please, do sit, we have an important matter to discuss."

Unsure where their conversation would be headed, Crusher sat down on the opposite side of Picard's desk.

"Last week, Dr. Bent informed me that he would be leaving the Stargazer to take a post on Starbase LV."

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, sir. Dr. Bent is a very good CMO. I will be very sad to see him leave."

"Yes, as will I. He has served this ship and her crew very well."

"I suppose you would again like my help with selecting a new CMO." She laughed at the memory of the two of them drinking coffee and discussing who should fill the crucial post.

_I miss those days._

"Well, yes, Doctor, I do need your help, but not like that. I've already selected the Stargazer's next Chief Medical Officer."

"Oh. I see. Well, how can I be of service then, sir."

Some part of Beverly was actually disappointed he hadn't asked her opinion this time around.

"For starters, you could agree to take the job, Doctor."

She looked at him, puzzled.

"Excuse me, Captain, but I don't follow you."

"Beverly, I want you to be the Stargazer's next Chief Medical Officer."

The young Doctor's jaw nearly hit the floor. She just stared at him in absolute and total shock.

"You want ME to be WHAT?!"

"You heard me. Doctor Beverly Crusher, I am very pleased to officially offer you the job of Chief Medical Officer of the U.S.S. Stargazer, with all the privileges and responsibilities that come with it."

The look on Beverly's face gave away that she was pleased, but she remained quiet.

Finally, she spoke.

"Jean-Luc, I am absolutely flattered, but you and I both know that I am not qualified for this job. I can't accept it."

"Beverly Crusher, you listen to me right now. You are the best of the best. You may not be able to see it, but you are. I have watched you blossom from a young resident into the brilliant physician I told you that you would become. This crew deserves nothing less than having the best doctor in Starfleet when they need one most, and if I chose anyone but you to fill this post, I would not be providing them with the absolute best. I really won't take no for an answer."

Beverly cocked her head to one side, studying the Captain, clearly analyzing what he had just said, but then seemed to come to an internal conclusion. Looking into his eyes, she nodded.

"Alright, Jean-Luc, I accept. I will be the Stargazer's CMO."

A huge smile took over Picard's face.

"Congratulations, Doctor."

"I will do my best to serve the crew, sir."

"Oh, I know you will. Which reminds me, I have something for you."

He laid a small dark pip on his desk in front of her.

"I felt a promotion was in order, Doctor."

_Lieutenant Commander, wow._

* * *

Beverly practically ran back to her quarters, knowing Jack would just about be leaving for his shift on the bridge. Beverly was so excited, just she had to catch him and tell him the news.

"Jack! Jack! You'll never believe it!"

"What are you so excited about, my dear?"

"Notice anything different?

He looked her up and down, determined to get it right.

_Well her hair is the same color and it doesn't look like she's cut it. Uhhh…_

Eventually, he did notice.

"Oh wow, darling! Jean-Luc promoted you? That's absolutely wonderful! Lieutenant Commander, now that is something to be proud of!"

The look on her face said it all. Complete happiness.

"There's actually more to it than just an extra pip."

"Oh, is there?"

"Well…uhhh…I got a new job."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Let's just say, you can now start calling me Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher."

* * *

Beverly settled into the position fabulously. Turns out, she was pretty good at being the boss.

There were definitely perks to the job, like being a senior officer, having her own office, and having the power to relieve Jean-Luc of duty if he didn't take care of himself (he clearly didn't think that part through when he offered her the job). Yes, all were major pluses.

There were difficult parts to the job too, though. The paperwork was absolutely ridiculous and she hated sitting at her desk, working on it. All the pressure was always on her. She had to have the answers, because if she didn't, then no one would. People were always looking up to her and counting on her to be there for them, no matter the time. Often that meant getting called in on emergencies at absolutely ungodly hours. It didn't matter if she'd just worked a 15 hour shift and preformed emergency surgery the night prior, if she was needed, Doctor Crusher was called. And it wasn't always easy to balance her job and spending time with her family. She did the best she could, but she also hoped she wasn't being a bad mother for having her young son spend so much time in daycare. It was hard to know what was right.

She loved her work, though, and the longer she had the position, the more she knew she was right where she was supposed to be. She was doing what she had always dreamed of, and she was thriving. The challenge job kept her excited about it and eager to do the work. The best part was, that in her heart, she knew she was making the difference she had always dreamed of.

* * *

Ever since Beverly had taken up the post of the Stargazer's CMO, it seemed to Jean-Luc that there was a renewed light in her eyes. She was living a wonderful life, a dream life, and Beverly seemed truly happy. Jean-Luc had long-since thrived on the young doctor's happiness.

Their breakfast routine had continued to continue, and in the mornings, Beverly would come in and happily discuss her job and all the aspects of it. They would chat for well-over an hour, a smile almost never leaving her face.

Jean-Luc couldn't help but be pleased that he had taken a small part in providing Beverly with her dream. Granted, she had earned the right to call sickbay her domain, but he also knew he'd taken a chance in giving such a young doctor such a huge responsibility. Picard was pleased that she was surpassing every expectation that anyone, including himself, had ever had for her.

His part in Beverly's happiness was very small, but it was there.

Yet, Jean-Luc could never have known that he was about to destroy the very fabric of his beloved's perfect world.


	9. Chapter 9

Beverly Crusher awoke to the warmth of her husband beside her and the sight of stars flying past her. She knew it was early, earlier than she had to be awake yet, and despite the near-pitch blackness of their quarters, she could also tell that her husband was no longer sleeping.

Beverly rolled to her side, wrapping her arms around Jack's torso, and planting a kiss on his lips as she did so.

"Morning my love," he whispered.

She laid her head on his chest, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart and his slow, deep breathing. There was comfort in those sounds.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Jack asked his wife.

"No, I woke up on my own. You'd have thought I would have slept longer considering I worked late, but I guess I'm not that lucky this morning."

"What time did you get in last night? I didn't even hear you come in."

"Ehh probably around 0200 by the time all was said and done. You were pretty zonked out."

"Surprising, huh? You're usually the one with the ability to literally sleep on cue. I'm pretty envious of that gift."

"Doctor's talent."

"What time is it anyway?"

"0600 hours."

"Ugh. Well, I don't have to be at sickbay until 0900, but maybe I'll get up and go in early. I should probably check in on Ensign Edwards and the paperwork is always unending. Would you be able to get Wes ready and drop him off at daycare?"

"Of course, love, though I wish you didn't work yourself so hard all the time."

"Look who's talking, Mr. First Officer."

"I at least make time to sleep."

"I do sleep!"

"Beverly Crusher, when was the last time you got more than 4 hours of sleep in a given night?"

"Well…" she strained her brain to think of such a time

"Yeah, thanks for proving my point."

"Sleep is over rated anyway."

"Says the Doctor. I'll be sure to remember that the next time that you yell at Jean-Luc or myself for not getting enough rest."

Beverly punched her husband playfully and sighed.

"Unfortunately, having every life on the ship in your hands doesn't exactly condone lots of time for extra sleep."

"I know, love, I just hate to see you wear yourself out so badly."

"You're right. I'll try to make more time for myself, I guess."

"That's all I can ask."

Kissing him one last time, Beverly stretched and hopped out of bed, feeling ready to conquer the day.

* * *

It was 1300 hours, when out of nowhere, the blaring chant of the Red alert rang through every hall of the Stargazer, a warning to all.

Startled, Beverly couldn't help but wonder what was up. She had duties to preform, though, so any worry had to be pushed back into the far reaches of her mind.

_These things happen all the time…_

* * *

Picard had been diligently working on reports when the blaring of the Red alert startled him back to the realities of the Stargazer. He gathered himself and rushed out of his ready room.

His First Officer and Chief of Security were already there. Tension formed though every line of their faces. Picard knew that whatever was going on, this day was about to become rather stressful.

"Report!" Picard ordered as he walked onto the bridge.

"Sir, the warp power nacelle is malfunctioning. It's experiencing a rapid energy build-up."

"Can you stabilize it?"

"I'm trying, sir."

"Trying simply isn't good enough, Lieutenant Joseph."

Picard wanted results, not excuses.

"What is the worst case scenario if this energy build-up continues?" The Captain asked, though he truthfully already knew the answer

"Sir, if it can't be controlled, the ship will be destroyed."

_Suspicions confirmed._

"What can we do?"

Jean-Luc wanted there to be an easy fix. Something like "well, if we press this button, all our problems will go away." No such solution existed, of course.

"Sir, we could manually detach the warp nacelle, but that would be an incredibly dangerous task. There are so many variables and any number of things could go wrong."

"What would be involved?"

"We would have to go outside the ship…we could probably use phasers to do it, but honestly, that could very well explode in our faces."

"And there are no other options?"

"As far as I can tell, there seem to be none, sir."

"Understood. I will go out and detach the nacelle myself then."

Jack Crusher didn't even miss a beat before objecting loudly.

"Captain, with all due respect, you will not be the one to go out there. The Captain's place is on the bridge. I will go do it myself."

"Commander, this is not the time to argue with me over policy. I won't, in good conscience, send you out there. Not with your wife and child mere decks below."

"Captain, if the nacelle is not detached, my wife and my child will not live to see tomorrow. I will be the one to go out there. Lieutenant Joseph will go with me. We'll get the deed done and we'll come back in no time."

Picard took a sharp in-take of breath, looking at his First Officer with a worried expression.

"Captain, Beverly knows that there are risks involved in having a husband as a Starfleet officer. These are risks that we had both discussed and accepted before we were ever even married. I have a duty to this ship, even before I have a duty to my family."

Silence. The bridge had never been so quiet.

"Please be careful, Mr. Crusher. I expect you back in one piece, both you and Mr. Joseph."

"Understood, sir."

Picard watched his men exit the bridge, wondering if he hadn't just ordered them to their deaths.

* * *

Too much time had passed.

_Why weren't they back yet? Something isn't right._

Communications between Crusher and Joseph and the bridge had almost immediately been disrupted the moment the left the interior of the ship. The energy overload had fried the com systems in their environmental suits.

Eventually, Picard just could stand to sit around any longer. He had to do something, to find out what was going on.

"There must be something wrong. I'm going to go get them." Picard stated, determined.

This time, there was no one brave enough to stop him.

* * *

Picard was alone in the galaxy, as he walked his way, carefully, desperately in the direction of the warp nacelle.

He was terrified of what he would find when he go there. He hoped that any minute, he would see both men appear, walking towards him, but as the minutes wore on, that possibility seemed less and less likely in his mind.

One step after the other, he made his trek. It was the longest walk, both physically and mentally, of his life.

Finally, the image of Peter Joseph came into view.

Unconscious. He wasn't moving.

He walked towards the Security Chief, desperately searching for Jack.

He found him. 100 meters away, still working on the nacelle, which looked like it was going to blow any minute.

_My god. _

In the next couple of seconds Crusher managed to complete the task, to detach the nacelle, as Picard watched on.

Jack had saved them all. Such an incredibly brave officer he was, Picard felt lucky to know such a man.

Relief washed over the Captain as he hauled Joseph on to his back and motioned with his arm for Jack to follow him.

Crusher turned and took a step away from where the nacelle had been, in the direction of his commanding officer.

One step.

And then his world exploded.


	10. Chapter 10

**The moment you've all be waiting for, we shall finally kill off Jack Crusher (Poor Bev) ;P Thank you for the reviews, they keep me going! So continue to leave feedback!**

* * *

All Jean-Luc remembered was a flash of light.

And then nothing.

As he regained consciousness, Picard strained to open his eyes, to remember what had happened and where he was. He was horribly disoriented and nearly toppled over the first time he tried to stand.

His head was pounding, and there was a horrible, deafening ringing in his ears.

Jean-Luc turned his head and saw Lieutenant Joseph was laying a few feet away. He was clearly unconscious, though the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest hinted to Picard that he was probably okay. At the very least, he was alive.

_Alive._

_Not Dead._

All at once, the memory came back to him. Jack detaching the warp power nacelle. Jack walking towards Picard, unharmed. And then an explosion.

_Jack._

_My god, Jack. Where's Jack?_

Picard forced himself to get up, to find his friend.

Steadying himself on two legs, he looked in the direction that he had last saw Jack Crusher stand.

He was there. He wasn't standing. Jack was down.

_Probably just unconscious. I'll get them both inside. They'll be fine._

Deep down, Jean-Luc Picard knew what he would find when he reached Jack Crusher. His mind wouldn't let him process such an outcome, but Picard's subconscious whispered the truth.

_There is no way that a dose of radiation like the one Jack just received from that blast is anything but fatal. No one could have survived that. _

Reaching Crusher as fast as his wobbling legs and his EV suit would allow him, Picard noticed the ominous lack of rise and fall of his First Officer's chest. Still, Picard's mind refused to acknowledge anything other than Jack being okay.

Grabbing him under the shoulders, Picard managed to haul Jack up on his back. Nothing but pure adrenaline was allowing this to happen. Jack Crusher was not a little man.

Picard knew he would need help to get both of the men back inside the ship. Passing Joseph and noting that he was still breathing well, Picard made his choice and hauled Jack on his shoulders all the way to the safety of the ship's interior.

It was not a short walk, and as he carried Jack, a clarity of sorts emerged in Picard's mind.

He was processing the idea that Jack may actually not wake up.

Reaching the port of entrance, Picard alerted sickbay of impending causalities and ordered an immediate beam-out directly there. And as the beams lifted the two men, Crusher still cradled in the Captains arm's, Picard could not help but pray to the gods of the galaxy that Beverly Crusher not be on duty in sickbay today.

_Please. Please. Please. Let her not be there to see this._

* * *

The Red alert had ceased its chant, and all at once the knot in Beverly's stomach disappeared.

_Everything much be okay. We made it through without a single causality._

That was when Picard's voice called out:

"Picard to sickbay, I'm about to beam a medical emergency to you."

_Apparently, I thought too soon._

Beverly had no idea what was coming her way; Picard hadn't specifically said what this "medical emergency" entailed, but she could tell from his voice that he sounded stressed. Being ever on top of things, the Doctor barked orders at her team to prepare for the worst case-scenario.

No amount of medical training could have prepared her for what was about to cross the threshold of her sickbay.

A shimmer of light began in the middle of the floor. Slow at first, and then the mere beams of light gave way to two whole human beings. Well, one whole, the other but a shell of his former self.

Beverly's eyes first met Jean-Luc's, she was relieved when she realized he looked okay.

But there was something in his eyes…

_Pitty. _

_Why is he looking at me like that?_

Her eyes left Jean-Luc and went to the man lying in his arms.

For a split second, nothing clicked. Beverly wasn't registering what exactly was going on. She cocked her head to the side, still just looking at the scene before her. Not moving, not acting.

Finally, something inside her switched on. Beverly wasn't miles away, she was right in the middle of things. Realization struck her and desperation filled her.

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Jack. Jack. My, Jack._

Beverly didn't know what she was, who she was. A doctor? A wife?

She ran across the floor of sickbay, to his side. Jean-Luc was already lifting Jack on the biobed, her staff peeling of the EV suit.

A hand came to her shoulder.

"Doctor, maybe you should let your staff take care of this."

"NO!"

Absolute determination filled her words. This was her sickbay. This was her husband. This was her responsibility.

Jean-Luc squeezed her shoulder. She glanced at him. She could still see the pitty in his eyes. It disgusted her.

_I will save him. I will. I must. _

Except, there was no man left to save. Jean-Luc knew that. Her staff had come to know that. The only one still in the dark was Beverly Crusher.

Standing over her husband, the Doctor immediately noticed he wasn't breathing. His skin was pale, deathly pale. He didn't even look like Jack Crusher anymore.

Beverly wasn't willing to let go, no, not yet.

"Cortical stimulator!"

The order was given, the order was obeyed. No member of the Doctor's staff even hesitated. They would let their boss try, at the very least she would feel that she had done everything she could.

"Now!"

A shock raced through Crusher's body. The monitors continued to utter their death cry.

"Again!"

Still nothing changed. No heartbeat. No brain activity.

"Again."

The same.

It was Picard who dared speak to her .

"Beverly."

It only took her name. The way he whispered it, softly, trying to put comfort in the single word, it hurt so badly. Her name brought her down to the reality of this situation and the reality that from this moment on, she would have to continue without the man she had married.

The Doctor closed her eyes in acknowledgment that there was nothing more she could do. She could feel the tears welling-up behind her eyes, wanting to break free, to flow, but she stood there, medical tricorder still clutched in her hand, and refused to cry.

Her world had ended, but she couldn't cry. Not there, not in front of Jean-Luc and her staff. No, she had to be strong. She had to keep herself together.

She breathed deeply. Her chest was tight, hurting, but she somehow managed to speak.

"Call...it." her voice trembled as she forced the words out of her mouth.

Those two short words were so simply in meaning, but together they signified the end of everything. Together, those two words officially declared her surrender.

The order was silently acknowledged; Beverly's head nurse nodded and was the next to speak.

"Computer, Commander Jack Crusher, time of death 1421."


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm sorry it took me so long to get this next one published, I just had to make sure it was right. Hoping to have 12 up by tonight or tomorrow. Sad chapter, this is...12 is probably worse. R.I.P. Jack Crusher, can't say many will miss you.**

* * *

The fragile strands of Beverly Crusher's professional detachment were quickly slipping away. Her husband, the father of her son, had just been declared dead in her sickbay, on her table. There was no recovering from that. Not ever.

Beverly Crusher walked forward, steadying herself on the biobed in front of her, where Jack's body lay.

_Body? _

The thought passed through her mind, it seemed unreal to think of her husband in that way. Her new reality was a dream that she couldn't wake up from…no, not a dream, a horrible nightmare.

She touched her hand to his face, noting that his skin was still warm to the touch. The idea that he would soon be cold, in the morgue, scared her. It made her sick. Brushing his hair away to the side, as she had done so many times when Jack had been alive, she remembered how his hair It had always been a subject of annoyance between them. Beverly had been on Jack about cutting it differently, so it didn't appear so wild, but he'd always refused. It had made her crazy that he wouldn't just listen to her.

_Now, memories are all I have of him. _

The thought left a horrible pain deep in her stomach. She knew that she had no hypo to fix this pain.

In a voice so low that no one could hear her, Beverly whispered:

"Oh Jack…Jack…I'm so sorry. All those years…all those years I spent giving everything I had to medicine, and I couldn't even save you…"

She hesitating for a moment and closed her eyes. The tears began streaming.

_I've got…I've got to get out of here. I can't do this…not here._

Desperately, she sprinted from the scene. Her staff would take care of things, she knew this, but the thought hardly crossed her mind. She just knew that she couldn't collapse into a heap of emotion on the floor of her workplace, in front of all the people that looked up to her.

…_The people that used to look up to you, Beverly. There isn't much to be said for a doctor who can't save the life of her own husband._

At first she instinctively wanted to run to her quarters and hide in the darkness of her room, but then it dawned on her that their bed was still unmade, Jack's clothes still littered the floor. She couldn't deal with that right now. It was just too fresh…the memories themselves would surely kill her.

_Office._

Doors hissed behind her as she entered, and she didn't even bother making her way for her desk chair. The second Beverly was alone, her own emotions overtook her and she fell to the floor. No one would hear her cry; in that alone she took small comfort.

* * *

He'd just watched his best friend be declared dead and the woman he loved suffer a devastating loss. He was supposed to be the Captain, to have all the answers and protect his people, but now he felt like an utter failure. He'd failed to protect his dearest friends from the realities of death.

_It's my fault that Jack is dead. That should have been me._

Jean-Luc Picard was not a crier. He did not cry, not ever, but in that moment he knew what was coming. He'd hid from emotion almost his entire life, ever since his parents had died when he was a young boy. He'd tried so hard to keep a distance from love, for love had only ever ended in heartache for him, but then Beverly Crusher came into his life. She'd made him less cold, more willing to let people in. She'd made him laugh and in the end he had fallen in love with her. Of course, no one but him knew this.

He'd hurt the one he loved the most. The guilt of this idea killed him inside. Beverly Crusher didn't deserve this. She was too young, too selfless to have to endure such a horrible loss.

But she had, and it was his fault.

Jean-Luc wanted to go to her, to take her in his arms and hold her as she cried, but he didn't know how. In fact, he almost felt that he shouldn't. He'd killed her husband after all, and he couldn't help but know in his heart that that was an unforgivable crime.

In a daze, the Captain walked to his quarters. And when he got there, he to,o cried for all that he had lost that day.


	12. Chapter 12

**I know I've been horrible about updating this story. I'm horribly sorry about that...unfortunately life just gets in the way sometimes. Here's Chapter 12. *Hoping* to have 13 up by this weekend at the latest...it's a goal anyway. REVIEW!:)**

* * *

Beverly had been tempted to sleep on the floor of her office that night. She had nothing left. No energy, no tears. She wanted to just stop. She would have done it too, had it not been for Wesley. She had left him at the ship's daycare as long as she possibly could, but eventually she did have to go back to her son. There was nothing in the world she wanted to do less at that moment. Facing him felt like the ultimate failure.

_How do I explain to my 3 year old son, that his father isn't coming home?_

She knew for the most part that he wouldn't understand what had happened. Death just wasn't a concept a toddler could grasp. Even Beverly, with all her experience dealing with death first hand, knew that she would never completely "get it."

_Death makes children of all of us._

The phrase repeated endlessly in her head. Beverly tried to rationalize what had happened, but she could not. She was good person. She'd dedicated her entire life to helping others. Ever since losing both her parents in a tragic accident, ever since watching her family and friends die on Arvada, a career in medicine had been the only thing she thought about. Her tragic early life had provided for a complete dedication to four years of medical school and several years of residency, not to mention all the years since her training had finished. She'd done everything right, yet the universe refused to just let her have a happy life.

Winding her way through the halls of the Stargazer, Beverly was in a complete daze. She wasn't thinking anymore. She made her way to Wesley's classroom on autopilot.

Over and over again, Beverly replayed the day's events in her mind. She kept seeing Jack laying there dead in front of her. She wanted the images to go away. She wanted to block them out. But they remained.

When she saw Wesley, she immediately made her way past his teachers and went up to him and hugged him. She needed to feel his warmth. He was all she had left now…all that was left of Jack.

After breaking her embrace, Wesley looked up at her with his big brown eyes and said, "Hi Mom, I missed you."

Beverly thought she had no tears left, but upon hearing the innocence of her child's words, she could feel the water returning behind her eyes. Her pain was unending.

Nevertheless, she forced a smile on her face and took her son by the hand and led him out of the classroom, ignoring the looks of sympathy plastered on the faces of everyone she passed.

Arriving at her quarters, the doors parted and Wesley immediately ran in. Beverly could not, for traces of Jack remained: the unmade bed, his boxers lying near the laundry return, and the faint hint of his aftershave polluting his apartment. Each was a small reminder that only hours ago, Jack had existed here.

Wesley failed to notice his mother's hesitation, but instead called to her from his bedroom.

"Mommy, when is Daddy going to come home and read to me?"

The young doctor's heart was shattered into a thousand pieces. It was so unfair.

_I'm about to destroy his world, much the way mine was as a young child._

Beverly closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. Walking into the quarters and towards Wesley's bedroom, she knew she was about to have the hardest conversation of her entire life…

* * *

No one had expected Beverly Crusher to show up for her shift in sickbay the next morning. Her Deputy CMO, Dr. Walter had made sure he was there in her place. Needless to say, the sickbay staff was shocked when she walked into sickbay less than 24 hours after her husband's tragic death.

Noticing that everyone had stopped what they were doing and looked at her upon her entrance, Beverly exclaimed in annoyance, "last time I checked, you all have jobs to do."

Everyone returned to their work and Beverly retreated to her office, Dr. Walter on her heels. He followed her into her office.

She turned and glared at him.

"What do you want, Doctor?"

"Doctor Crusher, with all due respect what on earth are you doing here?"

His eyes met hers with sympathy. The same look that she saw in everyone's eyes when they were near her. It annoyed Beverly to no end.

"Last time I checked this was MY sickbay. I'm not accustoming to explaining my every move to my subordinates."

She attempted to put faux force behind her words. She wouldn't let anyone see her as anything other than completely in control, even if she did feeling like curling up in a ball.

"You're right, it is your sickbay, Doctor, but 18 hours ago your husband succumbed to fatal injuries within these very walls. You don't need to be here. Take some time to get your life together."

The sheer bluntness of her deputy's words pierced her like knives. Yet, somehow, she continued:

"I'm fine, Scott. I need something to keep my mind busy, and working is just that. Don't worry about me."

Beverly wanted nothing more to believe the words that came out of her mouth, but to be truthful, there was nothing "fine" about her.

Knowing that he was getting nowhere with his boss, Dr. Walter retreated from her office. He knew Beverly was shutting down, she wasn't allowing herself to grieve. This worried him exponentially. It was times like this that in wished ships had counselors, for he was no psychiatrist. Dr. Crusher needed to talk to someone.

_Perhaps the Captain…_

* * *

Captain Picard hesitated before walking into Beverly Crusher's office. By now, he figured that she knew that Jack's death was all his fault. He loved her so much and the very idea that she would hate him for the rest of eternity tore his insides to pieces. He knew he deserved it, but he could not imagine his world without Beverly in it.

He knew she was suffering greatly, as he was, but was trying to get past is own grief so that he could be there for her.

_If she will even speak to me._

The Captain couldn't bear to think of such a reality, even if, deep down, he knew it was a real possibility. It was an incredibly cruel irony that Jack Crusher had kept Jean-Luc and Beverly a part in life and would maybe continue to do so even in death.

The thought ate at Picard's soul.

He braced his head against the steel door frames of sickbay, and breathed in sharply, preparing himself for the conversation ahead of him.

Finally putting aside his fears, Jean-Luc Picard stepped into Beverly Crusher's office and accepted whatever was to come.


End file.
